anorexia and bulimia

anorexia and bulimia

Check out this video: *The secret night life of bulimia/anorexia* – real/true life

The ugly but ‘real’ truth

I got out of hospital 10wks ago after an overdose due to a severe bout of depression. I felt I had no other way out something just clicked in my head and I could not escape the pain inside. After being released I didn’t eat any food for 6wks due to continued depression and my horrible old friend my eating disorder returned I have no idea why or how:(. The last thing i said to staff at the hospital before I left was that I was ‘scared’ because I did not feel any different. But was left with no support given externally. I hadn’t had to see a psych for almost 3yrs. My psych has now moved to Canada. The system let me go with nothing but ‘you have borderline personality disorder’. Gee thanks! I’ve been seeing my local doctor who does not specialise in this field ever since I got out but trying to find a psych has been hard as most know it can be so hard to find someone you trust plus being closer to Christmas most were booked out till February this year. I’m still on a waiting list to see someone in late January. I know I need help and do want it but it’s honestly been near impossible to find any it’s just been a ‘waiting’ game. I’ve come close to trying to end it all again since I left the hospital back in November due to off and on severe bouts of depression plus my mood changes and everything that comes with my eating disorder. At Christmas I decided to allow myself to eat for Christmas day only…sadly the second food hit my mouth my bulimia returned and I have been having the episodes in this video almost daily since Christmas. I drink 2 cups of coffee a day but my head never leaves me alone when it comes to food. I usually crack by midnight if I can’t tolerate the thoughts any longer and it’s easier to just give in than to fight them. I try to hide in silence in the bathroom and have the binge while no one is around because it makes me feel so ashamed the entire ordeal. I get very agitated if anyone interferes when I’m going through a binge I don’t know why. I just want to be alone when I have to give in and go through this. Yes I am fully aware I probably have all the distorted body images anyone with an eating disorder does and even though I logically know this is not about being ‘fat’ (I’ve had off and on eating related issues so long I get it!), I still feel I look so fat when I look in the mirror. It just has almost full control of me at the moment I can’t fight. I hate this so much.

There’s never any release from my mind. It taunts and consumes every part of your thoughts every minute of the day. I hate myself so much right now:(. It ruins friendships and every other aspect of your life physically you never have any energy and your mood swings are all over the place. Anyone aspiring to look ‘thin’ and in turn have an eating disorder seriously you are insane. It’s living hell! What you may start as something ‘innocent’ that you think you have control over, can quickly go this way before you even realise it.

24 Responses to “anorexia and bulimia”

  1. Jennifer O says:

    I just found out that my 14yr old has been purging. Thank you for this video and all the comment and responses you’ve given. It’s very encouraging.

  2. TopTop IB says:

    I totally understand this and you. Like, you really need to live the pain, to know REALLY KNOW how it does feel, cause u can study, read, watch, listen to it, but you’ll never know what it really is until you find yourself digging your own grave. I really hope you one day get out of this hell i’m in because yare beautiful, and, dont know, can’t say nothing else, because i can’t say nothing to myself.. but, keep fighting honey <3

  3. ballerina-maigre says:

    I started purging when I was 14. But my mom was Bulimic and still is. Please don’t let her get any further into this I know how hard it is and how embarrassing it is tell her you lover her ever night before you go to bed and make her feel beautiful. I hope she gets better. I hope I do too.

  4. Bunny Lover says:

    in the fourth grade my friend saw a tv show and convinced me to try it. I did. we did it for a couple weeks only at school. then we got in trouble. I had no idea what was wrong with it or why they were making such a fuss over it. but all and all I haven’t done it since. although I have thought about doing it but nothing more.


    I have had bulimia and anorexia for 8 years now (2006-2013). And each day is a battle for me. Some days I say “I don’t care.” And others I lock it down and try to be as strong as I can and ignore the burning feeling of wanting to eat. Those are the days that I eat as little as I can. While playing the game of be a stable straight as an arrow guy. Which I am, true, but, I get the urge really bad at times. And I’ve been in treatment and scared of getting caught again and go back.

  6. FunFearlessFemale says:

    i’m hungry

  7. FightForYourLife143 says:

    Your stomach is soooo beautiful… I wish I were skinny. :(

  8. Jess mysecretgarden says:

    Trust me hun you don’t want to live this live. I could end up dead living this life. It’s not a choice it’s a living hell. Maybe look up a local naturopath or dietition for a great meal plan and just eat healthy:). Veg or fruit smoothies are great and look for things with lots of antiioxidants e.g. a green tea or green coffee every day or two or goji berries are great to:). Nuts are great to. Best keys for healthy living just don’t eat take away and foods loaded with saturated bad fats:).

  9. Jess mysecretgarden says:

    Japanese food is fantastic to not sure if you like Japanese. Miso soup is beautiful and a lot of their noodles and rice dishes.

  10. lkatrina26 says:

    Thank you for having the courage to post this. I wish you the best in your recovery. YOU CAN DO IT. <3

  11. justcuriousx0x0 says:

    I’m in tears. You are so beautifully courageous. Thank you so much for posting this. I am recovered now, but this will help so many people. You are so brave. I admire you. 

  12. daniellerosko says:

    Hey Jess I can’t tell by the video but make sure not to brush your teeth right after a purge. You will end up brushing off enamel because of the bile brought up. Rinse well. Wait half an hour then brush.

  13. IsMade97 says:

    Can it be recover?

  14. kylienicolesv says:

    im proud of you. im like u

  15. Lendle Dave Garcia says:

    Praying for you here. may the Lord Jesus Christ show up in your life and you will see the freedom He has in which He died that we may live… GOD bless and there’s a lot of great things in this world that we should seek such as loving GOD and His creation.

  16. romy svoboda says:

    oh my goodness :

  17. Ta Ovessa says:

    I know this pain…. I do it everyday. I imitate to taking a bath and i puke… I KNOW THIS FEELINGS. Be fucking strong. I am with you

  18. jordanna friday says:

    Awwwwww :(

  19. bridget fox says:

    how ??? how are you so skinny can you help me with my weight

  20. farideh loveless says:

    hey you may all ready know this but don’t brush ur teeth after u purge it rubs the acid in more, I would suggest chewing gum to get rid of the taste and after an hour or so brush your teeth

  21. WeAreBeautiful -Taylor says:

    you binge because u have been ristricting everything for so long your body goes into starvation mode and its job is to keep u alive so if you dont eat a cookie or 2 when ure body is craving is u might just binge on them later. i have been to treament i know what its like please if anybody is still goin through this check out my channel its just to show you that you are not alone

  22. WeAreBeautiful -Taylor says:

    well she has a disease. she dosent see herself as skinny or thin. she sees herself as over weight. no one would wish his upon any1 bcuz its a living nightmare. dont seek help from some1 who cant help herself.She needs to be healthy im not sure if she is today or not but u do NOT want this.

  23. handymanpi says:

    thank you for uploading this. it has help me understand bulimia more. i wanted to know more about bulimia because i am doing a dance solo about. after watching your video i think i know exactly how to choreograph the hurt pain suffering confusion and the purging.

    thanx very much, especially for being so brave to upload it.

  24. Brittany White says:

    i love and hate mia and ana but you cant get skinny without redicing something or restricting something ,gotta have control to keep the fat at bay

Leave a Reply to bridget fox